Humor
The Bible
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means”!  “Okay,” said his father.  “So, son, what does the Bible mean”?  “That’s easy Daddy,… It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth”.  Leave it to a child to figure it out!		 "Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday School teacher. All the eager three-year-olds raised their hands except Little Johnny. The teacher directed his attention to Little Johnny and said, "Johnny, don't you want to go to heaven?" "I'm sorry, I can't", said Johnny.  "My mother told me to come right home after Sunday School today".
A father and his children were at the beach when his 4-year old son grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to the bird?"  The father replied, "He died and went to heaven."  The boy pondered a moment and then responded, "Did God throw him back down?" A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"  The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."

Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!"

A little boy went to a birthday party. On his return, his mother queried, "Bobby, did you thank the lady for the party?"
"Well, I was going to. But a girl ahead of me said, 'Thank you,' and the lady told her not to mention it. So I didn't."
The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.  "I bought it with the nickel you gave me."  "The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School."  I know Mom,” said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

Why Women Talk so Much

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.  He showed her a study that reported that men use an average of 15,000 words a day, but women use 30,000 words a day.  The wife promptly told him that women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men.  Looking stunned, the husband said, "What?"  "Women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men!"
A Serious Condition
A fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.  He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.  He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.  He said, "Shingles." So she gave a blood test, a blood pressure test, and electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

A short while later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.  He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?"  He said, "Outside in the truck.  Where do you want them?"
Large Family Searching for an Apartment

A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city.
They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to
live in.  Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.  After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.  After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.  Then the landlord asked the usual question:  "How many children do you have?"   The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."   He got the apartment!

A DIRTY LLITTLE FELLOW

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Right and Wrong~~~

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong... "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take all his money, what would I be?"  Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!" 

   A GOOD WAY TO SELL BIBLES!

A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their
location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference. 

One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir."  Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out. 

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. 

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?" 

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door
and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you
l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the
B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?" 


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"  "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
 

 
Woman’s Work
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, “I’m getting tired, it’s getting late, I think I’ll go to bed.”  She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches.  She rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.  She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.  She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer.  She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.  She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.  She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair.  She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.  She put both near her purse.  Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.  Hubby called, “I thought you were going to bed.”  “I’m on my way, “she said.  She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then, made sure the doors were locked.  She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.  In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.  She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.  About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular, “I’m going to bed.” And he did.
CAN YOU RELATE TO THIS??????????
SMILE FOR YOU
Smiling is infectious; you catch it like the flu, when someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too. I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin. When he smiled I realized I'd passed it on to him. I thought about that smile then I realized its worth, a single smile, just like mine could travel round the earth. So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected Let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper:  "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100. The postal
authorities received the letter to "God, USA" . They decided to send it to the President.
He was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the
little boy a $5 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank
you note to God which read "Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and as usual,
those idiots deducted $95."
My son took his 4-year old boy to the barbershop for a haircut, but when they came out, the child was crying.  “What’s wrong, son?” his father asked. “Don’t you like your Haircut?”  “No”, the boy replied, “I wanted one with a hole in the top – like yours”.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.  As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the mechanic, "It's open!"  "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side." There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied.  “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
The Formula for a Happy Marriage:
It's the same as the one for living in California: when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.
Overheard at a computer store: 

"I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."

 Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself.  His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.  She said, “Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.”  He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, “Don’t kid me, Mom. I know they’re my feet.”
FARMER HUMOR:
   A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer.  One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.  The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic Cow $499.95
Shipping and handling $35.75
Extra stomach $75.25
Two tone exterior  $145.10
Produce storage compartment  $126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper  $189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system  $149.56
Automatic fly swatter  $88.59
Genuine cowhide upholstery  $179.90
Deluxe dual horns  $59.80
Automatic fertilizer attachment  $339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly  $884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb  $69.80 
   Farmers Suggested List Price…  $2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments…..  $300.00 
Total List Price  (Including Options)  $3143.36
DRUGS

I had a drug problem when I was a child and teenager.

I was "drug" to church on Sunday morning. 
I was "drug" to church on Sunday night. 
I was "drug" to church on Wednesday night. 
I was "drug" to Sunday School every week, and I was "drug" to Vacation Bible School. 
I was "drug" to the family altar to read the Bible and pray. 
Those "drugs" are still in my veins, and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. 
They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin. 
If more children had this "drug" problem, America would certainly be a better place.
Author Unknown


The Quarters
On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting on tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."
For those of you who drive, if you must speed on the highway, please sing these Hymns:
At 45 mph: "God Will Take Care of You"
At 55 mph: "Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah"
At 65 mph: "Nearer My God to Thee"
At 75 mph: "Nearer Still Nearer"
At 85 mph: "This World Is Not My Home"
At 95 mph: "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
Over 100 mph: "Precious Memories"		 The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.  Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward  her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.  Joel giggled, sang, and talked out
loud.  Finally, his big sister had had enough.  "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."  "Why?  Who's going to stop me?"  Joel asked.  Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers."
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, "Yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us." 

THE  TWENTY-THIRD POUND
My appetite is my shepherd:
I shall always want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of “Burger King” for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth,
I will not stop eating…for the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me,
for I knoweth that soon I shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously, my clothes runneth smaller.
Surely, bulges and excess weight shall follow me all the days
of my life and I will be fat forever.
(Anonymous)
{Submitted by Helen Sites}
Public address systems often amplify far more than singing or sermons. An evangelist friend of mine consistently wears a [wireless] transistor lapel mike during his meetings. Once, however, he forgot to turn it off when he recessed for the men's room during the song service. Interspersed throughout the singing the congregation distinctly heard through the speakers the sound effects of whistling, the toilet flushing, washbasin filling, and paper towels pulled from the holder and crumpled.  When my friend returned to the platform, he whispered to one of his associates, "How's it been going?" The associate pointed toward the lapel mike and whispered back, "You ought to know; you were on!"

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me."  "Oh, then why do  you keep crossing things out?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
You Might Be a Farmer If...
  • Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife does.
  • You wave at every vehicle whether you know them or not.
  • You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even after dark.
  • You have ever had to wash off in the back yard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
  • You have never willingly thrown away an empty 5-gallon bucket.
  • You have used baling wire to attach a license plate to a vehicle.
  • You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
  • You can remember the fertilizer rate, seeding rate, herbicide rate, and final yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday or dress size.
  • You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
  • You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors' crops.
  • You have "borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
  • You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
  • You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.
  • And finally, if given $1,000,000 you would keep right on farming. You'd farm differently, but you'd keep farming because that is who and what you are!
     Peanuts

One day, a minister decided that he would visit some members of his congregation at their homes to encourage them and find out how they were doing.

After having already visited several members, he arrived at the door of a poor, elderly widow.  He rang.  She answered, and let him in.  He was ushered into the living room where he and the widow sat down and began a casual conversation.

After a few minutes into his conversation, he noticed a candy dish, full of peanuts, on the coffee table.  Under ordinary circumstances, he would not have asked the question, but it was almost noon, and he hadn't eaten anything since his early breakfast and he was beginning to feel quite hungry.  So, he asked the widow, "Do you mind if I have some of these nuts?" She replied, "Help yourself."  So, he did. While they continued chatting, the minister realized that he had finished all the peanuts in the dish.  He felt quite embarrassed for having gotten so carried away in his conversation with the poor, elderly widow, that he didn't even think to leave some in the dish for her.  So, shamefully, he said to the poor, elderly widow, "I'm really sorry, it seems that I've eaten all your peanuts - I didn't mean to finish them all.  Please forgive me."

The poor elderly widow casually waved her hand at him and said, "Oh, that's quite all right.  All I could do is suck the chocolate off them anyway!"

A woman invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”  “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the little girl replied.  “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.  The little girl bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
An elderly woman died last month.  Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

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