Time For A Big Laugh

Time for a Big Laugh

*Overheard at a computer store:* "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."	The baker's mistakes are eaten; The carpenter's mistakes are covered up; The undertaker buries his mistakes, but woe unto the editor...the people read his mistakes.
We hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that, and remember only half of that.	THE SEVEN AGES OF MAN: Spills, drills, thrills, bills, pills, and lastly, wills. Where are you on the age chart?
*Retirement - THE PERFECT JOB!* My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a gymnasium work-out-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!	*Your PC's Spell Checker* My Spell corrector said it was OK Eye halve a spelling checker It came with my pea sea It plainly marquees four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My checker tolled me sew.
The Wedding~~~ Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? " Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."	Working For The State~~~ A fellow stopped at a gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car drinking his cola and watched two men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole 2 or 3 feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. "Hold it" he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with the digging?" "Well, we work for the state" one of the men stated. "But one of you digs a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the state's money?" "You don't understand, mister", one of the workers said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally, there's three of us----me, Bubba and Earl. I dig the hole, Bubba sticks in the tree, and Earl here puts the dirt back in the hole." "Just 'cause Bubba's sick, that don't mean that Earl and me shouldn't work."
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."	When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
WHAT IS LIFE? Life is a challenge...meet it. Life is a gift...accept it. Life is an adventure...dare it. Life is a sorrow...overcome it. Life is a tragedy...face it. Life is a duty...perform it. Life is a game...play it. Life is a mystery...unfold it. Life is a song...sing it. Life is an opportunity...take it. Life is a journey...complete it. Life is a promise...fulfill it. Life is a beauty...praise it. Life is a struggle...fight it. Life is a goal...achieve it. Life is a puzzle, solve it. Life is Love...love it!	*SOME INTERESTING QUOTES* Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. The secret of growing old is having lots of experience you can no longer use. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. Love is like a mushroom. You never know if it's the real thing until it's too late. Swallowing angry words is much easier than having to eat them. The secret of getting ahead is getting started. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. -- Bob Hope
My son took his 4-year old boy to the barbershop for a haircut, but when they came out, the child was crying. What's wrong, son?" his father asked. "Don't you like your haircut?" "No", the boy replied, "I wanted one with a hole in The top - like yours".
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied: "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"	Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
Breakfast Special~~~ We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.	Maybe there IS something to this idea of evolution proposed by Charles Darwin. Maybe people did descend from lower animals, because church people often seem stubborn as MULES about church work, sly as a FOX in their own business deals, busy as BEES in spreading the latest gossip, blind as a BAT to the needs of others, quiet as a MOUSE in spreading the Gospel, but have eyes like a HAWK to see a mote in their brother’s eye. They are eager as a BEAVER about a bazaar and barbecue, but lazy as a HOUND DOG about prayer meeting. They are mean as SNAKES when things don’t go their way, but gentle as a LAMB when they need the pastor’s help. They are noisy as CROWS for the church to advance, but slow as SNAILS in visiting the unchurched. Many are night OWLS on a Saturday night, but BED BUGS on Sunday morning, slippery as EELS on Sunday night and scarce as Hen's teeth during a revival! (Selected) - (Author unknown)
-Punishment- "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she said. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."	Wearing seat belts... I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
*A GOOD PAYING AMERICAN JOB* Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00 a.m. While his coffee pot (made in Japan) is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of teenis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Phillipines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico) how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Switzerland) to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), and, as has been his daily task for months, goes looking for a good paying American job. After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and ponders again why he can't find that "good paying American job."	A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!”
	I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just happened!
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.	I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
When I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets, so I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I said. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.	Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
FOUND ON A TOMBSTONE: "My Dear Friends as You Pass By, As you are Now, So Once Was I. As I am Now, You Soon Must Be. Prepare Yourselves to Follow Me." "Beneath this stone my wife doth lie Now she's at rest and so am I."	REAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add "es".	I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."	*Famous Quote:* Red Skelton, the famous comedian from early TV days is quoted as saying, "I live by this credo: Have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations. Even in your darkest moment, you usually can find something to laugh about if you try hard enough. If I can make people laugh, then I have served my purpose for God."
A man who was lost stumbled across a Baptism service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeded to stumble down into the water and stand next to the Minister. The Minister turned, noticed the man and said, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus? The man looked back and said, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. No, I did not!", said the man. The Minister then dunked him under for quite a bit longer, brought him up and said, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the man again. Disgusted, the Minister held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brought him up and demanded, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet!!!??" The man wiped his eyes and pleaded, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"	The Potato Garden An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

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